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Tracey is the mother of two children, an 8 year old and 5 year old, one biological and one adoptive
Here are rough notes from her talk on talking with kids about sex:
- self concept and self confidence are essential for a child/person to feel at peace with themselves
- name all the parts of your body without "funny" names - makes it less weird, inculcate your kids to sexual abuse, reduce vulnerability by having language to talk about it
- perpetrators pick kids who aren't comfortable with their bodies or lack self esteem/confidence...they test until they think they won't tell an adult, it's the kid who doesn't know enough/better who gets abused
- explain what private means - just for you - parts are permanent
- discussed prudeness/discomfort level of others - parents set their own personal/cultural boundaries for what is acceptable - there is no "right" level of exposure nudity
- share birth stories - child thought all moms had to be "sewn up" since their mom had a c-section - talk about it from the get go - book called "it's not the stork"
- don't dodge questions - kids who can understand aren't too young to learn - rather fumble with a two year old than get blushy with a two year old - be matter of fact "does it hurt? yes!" we were built to fit together like a puzzle
- 8 1/2 yo is suddenly grossed out by parents kissing - totally normal
- discussed media influence - once you tween/teens are on FB, make sure to friend them and post/check-in regularly - others with moderate themselves if a parent is paying attention
- kids are very curious about different families
- kids learn self concept about age 3 - start to play more gender specific roles/play ask questions to explore and differentiate - one daughter was a total princess at age 7 and a year later she's a total tom boy who has "banned pink"
- they are just figuring out who they want to be - indulge them to some degree
- sex play is normal, playing doctor is OK as long as the kids are the same age - track/engage closely - mitigate if needed, explain that you don't share private parts - ask them to get clothes back on to talk some more, answer their question (maybe read a book) - set limits for future play
- one parent shared how their 6yo son one minute doesn't want them to look at his penis and then five minutes later is jumping around naked, there is a new awareness
- is bathing together OK? Yes, usually they start to want their own privacy and there is no need to set any age limit, just a simple policy of no touching private parts
- use bath time as a small conservation about what OK with private parts - kids don't bathe with other adults
Stranger danger:
- make plans together for what happens if you loose each other
- ask kids to find women in the store (much less likely to abuse) or a mommy with kids
- have kids ask for their own stickers at the checkout line - if they are too shy to ask for a sticker, they won't be comfortable asking for help
- most dogs are friendly, but always ask the owner first
- explain that some grown ups don't know the rules about kids and how to keep them safe - if an adult ever makes you feel unsafe, tell me immediately
- sometimes it's just a funny feeling - it's important to listen to your body and let me know
- don't leave with another adult - a trust worthy adult would call me
- doctors are OK - they are a safe place
- recommended book - protecting the gift
- don't get in a car or go home or get off the bus
- just because you've met them before, doesn't mean it's OK - there is only a small circle of friends who it's OK, and they would call mommy/daddy
- sleep overs - review safety rules, don't climb out windows, no knives, private parts - no touching, more details as they get older - even when it get embarrassing (maybe for both of you)
- playgrounds - kids will let their guard down because it feels like a safe zone
- no one should make it scary - you know your kids
- set boundaries - make them earn your trust to gain responsibility
- 1 in 4 girls is sexually abused, 1 in 7 boys - 70% is from within family or acquaintances
- the long term impact of abuse is HUGE and deep
- make kids comfortable with their bodies early - more likely to have positive adult sexual relationships
- define stranger - someone mom and dad doesn't know
- strangers are like dogs - you can't tell until you are introduced, and it's important that parents are with you when you meet them
- different cultures have different views - explain/discuss them as they arise
- when is OK to let your child walk to school? - as with all parenting, you set your limits and decide your personal/family boundaries
- cell phone - limit access, lots of pros and cons, convenience and safety at a point, creates a much bigger world - kids don't look at each other...they are on their "phones"
- media - keep them gently aware, help them make choices
- limiting screen time makes them less vulnerable
- comfortable and confident kids make happy and safe kids
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